The Muppets' Unwanted
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: Robin wants to know his parentage, and Uncle Kermit isn't telling. Gonzo sympathizes, and helps Robin break into the Muppet Archives to get the information. What they find changes everything. Meanwhile, Sam Eagle and Inspector Napoleon reunite to catch a serial killer. The victims are all Muppets, and that's not all they have in common... (More info inside.)


**A/N: This story is not for small children. It will still be pretty tame, to stay in-character for the Muppets; but there will be **_**more**_** raunchy humor and death than you'd ever see in a real Muppet movie. **

**Aside from lots of murder and a tiny smidgeon of sex, what else can you expect from this story? Lots of Robin, lots of Gonzo, lots of Rizzo, Camilla, Pepe, and other Muppets who've been underused in the latest two movies. The Gonzo/Rizzo friendship will be featured heavily. A few characters from the new Muppet movies will appear, like Walter, Constantine, and Inspector Napoleon. There will also be cameos and references from all over the Jim Henson universe, and anything else Muppet-esque. (Expect to see ties to "Sesame Street," "Labyrinth," "The Dark Crystal," "Crank Yankers," and "Avenue Q.") **

**WARNING: Some brief sexual content in this chapter, but probably won't persist throughout the story. The entire story, however, will feature several character deaths. **

**I do not own the Muppets, or any other series or celebrities included in this story.**

* * *

Red, pink and white balloons decorated the streets outside the Muppet Theater, swaying in time to the music that echoed from inside.

It had started off as an ordinary day, cleaning the studio and rehearsing, until Piggy had reminded everyone that it was Valentine's Day. Then, without missing a beat, the entire Muppet troop had fallen into a musical number, singing in praise to all the different kinds of love that should be celebrated. Maybe the first third of the number had revolved around romantic couples like Kermit and Piggy and Gonzo and Camilla. This was followed by several cute verses between platonic friends (Kermit and Fozzie did a short Blues Brothers reenactment, and Rizzo and Gonzo had a segment that bordered on "gay," especially when Rizzo kissed Gonso's nose). Then Kermit and his nephew Robin sang a verse or two about family. The Muppets soon exited their theater and took their number onto the streets, singing alongside shopping couples, and venders selling heart-shaped treats. It was overall a very adorable song, one which would have looked great in a movie or TV special, but not so good in a written fanfic.

By the time they'd finished singing, the sun was starting to set.

"Hey, what time is it?" Walter, the newest member of the cast, craned his head up at the darkening sky.

"Oh wow!" Scooter exclaimed, checking his watch. "It's 7:00! Work day's over! Man, that day sure went fast."

"Huh," Rowlf, the piano-playing dog, shook his head. "I've gotten lost in my music and lost track of time before, but today's gotta take the cake."

"Hey man," said Floyd, the hairy sunglass-sporting guitarist. "I lost an entire month once, when we were touring London!"

Fozzie looked around frantically. "So, so what do we do _now_ Kermit?"

"Well, uh…" Kermit's face contorted thoughtfully.

Piggy leaned in on her frog. "_Hooow abooout_…we go out for a romantic dinner, maybe a boat-ride, and then finish Valentine's Day at a nice hotel?"

Kermit's face relaxed, as he considered this.

The rest of the Muppets exchanged glances. Floyd and Janice seemed to like the idea. Camilla clucked some quiet suggestions into Gonzo's ear. Pepe threw up all four fists enthusiastically, and began rambling about a pool party with "the womens!"

Walter looked at the ground. "I don't have anyone to go to a hotel with."

"Why don't we get a room," Scooter suggested. "I've got video games, half a case of Mountain Dew, and the first three seasons of 'Game of Thrones!'"

"That sounds like a lot of fun!" Water agreed. "Valentine's Day isn't just about romance after all, it's about friendship too!"

"I love Game of Thrones!" Kermit's nephew Robin said eagerly. "Can I come too?"

"Yeah," Kermit said awkwardly. "Yeah Robin, I think you'd _better_ spend the night with Scooter and Walter playing video games. Piggy and I, we could use some time alone."

"Sure thing!" Scooter said cheerily. "Who else wants to come? Clifford, you game?"

Clifford, the purple Jamaican catfish, shook his head. "Naaaw, I'm spendin' V-Day with my girlfriend tonight. You guys have fun." Clifford flipped out his cell phone and called his mystery lover—the girl who no one ever saw, or even knew the name of. "Hey Baby, how 'you like ta spend Valentine's Day at a _four-star hotel_…!"

* * *

The Happiness Hotel is most well known in the United Kingdom, but since gaining a small bit of fame in a Muppet mystery movie in the late '80s, the chain expanded to other countries. By a remarkable coincidence, this American location was managed by Pops, the same old Southern American Muppet who'd sat behind the counter of the English hotel all those years ago. Pops welcomed the Muppets couple-by-couple, group-by-group, and listed the three payment methods to each of them. (Most chose "C.")

By ten o'clock, the only Muppet not at the hotel was Animal, who had been chasing human women through the streets since the opening number. Animal finally returned, panting and heaving, having given up on his conquests and ready for a rare bit of sleep. He hurried in through the hole in the wall that the Electric Mayhem's bus had created three hours earlier, and rushed over to the counter.

"Can ah help you?" Pops offered.

"Need…room." Animal panted.

Pops chuckled. "Yer welcome to any room you can find! The only spots I can grantee are open at this point are the elevator, the staircase, and the parking lot."

Animal's face fell, and he shook his head. "Want room," he muttered, turning to leave.

"Hey there Animal, how you fixin' ta pay? Credit Card, Cash, or Sneak out from Middle of the Night?"

Animal's eyes popped wide open, as he realized he'd almost forgotten to pay. He looked around the lobby for some options. A few Electric Mayhem members lay scattered around the bus, which was parked by the staircase. His eyes fell on Zoot, the blue saxophone player, who sat snoring on the van's hood. Animal hobbled over and pulled Zoot's wallet out of his jeans. Returning to the desk, he growled, "Cre-dit Card."

"Aaaall righty!"

After paying, Animal hurried up the creaking staircase, his chain dragging behind him. His eyes moved up and down the hall of closed doors. It was impossible to tell which rooms were occupied, and so—in Animal's mind at least—there was only one logical way to find out. He picked a random door, and thrust his entire body into it, knocking it opened.

Inside, on an old fold-out bed, were Kermit and Miss Piggy. Piggy's back was to Animal, and it was bare. She bounced up and down, her golden curls flying, as she squealed, "Oh! Oh! Oh! Kermie! Kermie! Kermie! Kermie!" Kermit, lying on his back, arched his head and yowled in ecstasy, "_Waaaaaaaaa_!"

Animal slammed the door shut. He shook his head, doglike, trying to toss the image from his mind.

Any other person would have proceeded with more caution. But Animal was a slow learner.

He threw the next door opened as quickly as the last. Gonzo was stretched across the back wall, lashed to a large, wooden rack. It looked like something out of a medieval torture chamber, or maybe a pirate ship. His blue furry body was stark naked. Mercifully, a dresser was positioned near the door, topped with a golden bust of Gonzo's head (from his plumbing career days), blocking Gonzo's manhood from view. Below, working the rack, was Camilla the chicken, dressed in a black leather gimp suit and clutching a whip in one talon.

"C'mon, _tighter_ Camilla," Gonzo laughed. "Tighter!"

The chicken began to work the rack, then jumped and cried out when she noticed Animal.

"_B'KWAAAAWK_!"

"Animal!" Gonzo exclaimed. "_Do_ you _mind_?!"

Animal backed away, bug-eyed, letting the door fall shut by itself.

Animal was about to throw opened a third door, but stopped when he heard what sounded like a moan. He put his ear up to the door and listened.

"That's right Janie baby, just work your lips around it and take it all in…"

Grunting in confusion, Animal gently pushed opened the door.

Janice and Floyd sat on a sofa, fully clothed, passing a colorful glass-blown pipe between each other. The entire room reeked with an earthy aroma.

"Oh hey Animal!" Floyd said. "You wanna try a little a' Doctor Teeth's secret stash?"

"Hey Floyd baby, like, don't be spreading that around okay? I didn't ask Doc's permission to borrow this stuff…"

Animal left, unimpressed, and tried another door. In this one, Rizzo kissed a female rat on a sofa. Both looked up with terror when the door flew opened, and the girl exclaimed "Harry?" But they sighed with relief when they saw it was only Animal. Animal, being Animal, took no note of the wedding band on the female rat's finger, or the lack of one on Rizzo.

Animal continued down the entire hall. In one room, Pepe was romancing actress Penelope Cruz, with wine and Spanish music. In another, Bobo the Bear sat at a computer, chatting with an attractive female panda via Skype. In another, Fozzie bear sat alone on a bed, strangling a rubber chicken; he screamed when he saw Animal, and quickly hid the rubber chicken behind his back.

Only one room left. Animal threw the door opened.

Clifford stood at a cracked mirror, adjusting his orange dreadlocks. "Oh, hey Animal. I'm just waiting for my Baby ta show up. She's an hour late already! Tell ya what: if she's not here by midnight, you can have this room."

Animal grunted, and shook his head. "Sleep on staircase." He left, giving up.

Clifford shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat."

The catfish continued to smooth his dreads, and gave his mustache a curl. He wanted to look his best for his baby…if she ever showed up. What was taking her so long? Traffic couldn't be that bad, could it?

The door, which Animal had left partially opened, creaked forward. Hoping it was her, Clifford turned with a smile. But it wasn't his girlfriend.

"Hey Baby I—Oh. Sorry, I thought you were somebody else."

The individual in the doorway said nothing.

"Hey man," Clifford looked up and down the figure carefully. "Do I know you? You look vaguely familiar."

The figure didn't reply. It simply entered the room, its massive shadow falling over Clifford.

"Hey, is there—I mean, can I help you with anything? Look man, I think you got the wrong room! I don't know what you—" the shadow shifted, as the figure turned around. "Yeah, that's more like it! You just get out of here, ya big creep—wait, what are you doing? Woa, hey! _He_—" Clifford's cry was cut off and muffled, as his entire felt body was crushed under a colossal weight.

* * *

Kermit and Piggy lay next to each other in bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Was it good for you, Kermie?" Piggy said softly.

"Piggy, I think that was the best sex a frog could ever ask from a pig!" Kermit said sincerely. "I wonder if anyone else got as lucky as I did tonight?"

His query was answered by a blood-curling, female scream.

"Oooh," Piggy snickered. "He must be good!"

"Who is that?" Kermit wondered aloud. "I don't recognize that voice."

Another scream followed. It was not a scream of joy.

Kermit bolted up. "Someone's in danger!" He hopped out of the bed and made for the door.

"Oh! Kermie, be careful!" Piggy began to slide out of bed, but Kermit stopped her.

"Piggy, you're not wearing any clothes! Put something on if you're gonna follow me, for Pete's sake!"

"Oh! How silly of me."

Kermit hurried down the hall. Piggy soon caught up, in her pink ruffled robe.

A small crowd of Muppets stood outside the door at the end of the hall. Right in front of the door, Fozzie was comforting a terrified woman, a human who Kermit didn't know. She was colorfully-dressed, with dark skin and a round face, straight black hair pulled into a high ponytail. She stared through the opened door with an agonized face, her fingers partially covering her mouth. Fozzie had his hand on her shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay Raven," Fozzie insisted, but the girl shook her head.

"Hey, I've seen you before!" Kermit realized. "Aren't you the girl who played that psychic on that Nickelodeon show?"

Raven nodded, her voice cracking. "Yes, I'm Clifford's girlfriend. Well I _was_ his girlfriend."

"_You're_ Clifford's girlfriend?" Kermit exclaimed. "Oh wow! So you're the one he's been talking to on the phone this whole—wait, 'was'? You 'was' his girlfriend? Wha…" Kermit moved around Raven and peered into the room.

At first, Kermit saw nothing out of the ordinary in the crumbling Happiness Hotel room, save the unusual mat on the floor. Then he realized it wasn't a mat. It was Clifford...flattened into a purple, Rastafarian-catfish-shaped mat. His eyes were so wide that his eyelids weren't even visible, and the pupils were contracted to dots; a rare facial expression that Muppets took only when experiencing extreme terror or strain. Clifford's hands were up near his face, as if in some feeble attempt to block the heavy force that had crushed him.

"Oh no," Kermit said softly.

Quietly, Scooter explained, "Everyone was just in their rooms, having fun, and then we all heard the screams. Robin's still asleep on the couch; he passed out while we were playing Halo. He's a pretty deep sleeper I guess."

Kermit nodded. "Good. I don't want Robin to see this."

"Hey, what's going on?"

Kermit turned to see Gonzo hurrying over, in his plaid bathrobe. Camilla came clucking behind him, also in a robe. (Was that black leather and chains she was wearing underneath? What in the _world_…? _Gonzo_, Kermit sighed inwardly.) Gonzo peered over Kermit's shoulder, and gasped.

"Oh, Camilla don't look!"

The chicken had already seen, and was flapping her wings frantically, sending feathers flying. Gonzo grabbed his hen and hid her face in his blue furry chest, protecting her from the sight. Gonzo suddenly gasped, and turned to Kermit. "What are we gonna tell Rizzo?"

"Tell me about what?" The rat asked casually, joining the crowd.

Scooter turned around. "You might not wanna look, Riz. It's Clifford."

Rizzo had worked closely with Clifford in the '90s, on the set of "Muppets Tonight." While Clifford had taken over Kermit's job as host, Rizzo had taken over Scooter's as techie. It was a safe bet that he and Clifford were at least casual friends.

Rizzo moved to get a closer look, then quickly stepped back, shaking his head. "_Hoooh_ no…"

Gonzo stretched out a hand to invite Rizzo in his and Camilla's hug. "Rizzo, I'm sorry."

"Clifford!" Rizzo turned back to the crowd. "Is, is he…?"

Kermit's face scrunched painfully. Fozzie looked at the ground. Pepe glanced around awkwardly, while his date, Penelope Cruz, stood at the back of the crowd with a sorrowful expression. Walter was having another one of his panic attacks, his face frozen like a Picasso painting.

"Excuse me," Dr. Bunsen Honeydew pushed his way to the front of the crowd. "Kermit, will you allow Beaker and I to have a look?"

Floyd gave Bunsen an odd look. "Hey man, what're you and Beaker doin' at this hotel?"

Janice smiled coyly. "_IIII knew it_!"

"It's not what you think, Miss Janice." Bunsen assured her. "Beaker and I rented the hotel's basement to spend Valentine's Day with our _true_ love—science! Come on Beekie."

Meeping, Beaker followed his lab partner over to the crime scene.

"Hmm," Bunsen leaned over the flattened catfish, looking closely.

"Hmm," Beaker squeaked.

"He _is_ dead." Bunsen confirmed.

Rizzo buried his face in Gonzo's robe.

"He was crushed by some kind of heavy weight." Bunsen continued. "I would say several tons, at least."

"Oh, gee, we never would've guessed that one." Piggy snorted. "Great detective work Sherlock."

Bunsen narrowed his nonexistent eyes at Piggy. "_Which means_ that anyone large enough to crush him to death is a suspect."

Piggy, taken aback, began looking back and forth between Kermit and the other Muppets. "W-well, aha, I'm not exactly _large_, per se, moi is just big-boned!"

"Piggy was with me the whole time!" Kermit protested. "She couldn't have done it!"

"Wait a minute," Walker, having recovered from his panic attack, came around to face Kermit. "So Clifford was _murdered_?"

"How else could this'a happened?" Zoot the sax player asked. "If something'd just _fell_ on him, it'd still be there!"

Fozzie suggested, "Maybe it _is_ still there, and it's just invisible! Like something from Bunsen and Beaker's lab!"

"Fozzie," Kermit was ready to scold his best friend for his stupidity, then reconsidered. "That's…actually not far-fetched."

Bunsen and Beaker ran their hands in the air over Clifford's flattened corpse, even poked the dead catfish a few times.

"Nope," Bunsen said. "Nothing here, but a deceased Rastafarian catfish."

Raven began to sob softly into her hands. "Oh-ho Clifford, Baby…this is all my fault."

"No Raven," Kermit assured her. "No it's not your fault. There wasn't anything you could've done if you'd been here. We're gonna catch the person who did this, and we're gonna see that justice is done!" The other Muppets nodded and voiced their agreement. "The Muppets always watch out for their own!" As Kermit's voice rose, so did the cheers from the other Muppets. "And when you mess with one of us you mess with all of us! It doesn't matter if Clifford wasn't part of the _original_ Muppet gang, or that he wasn't exactly popular with our fans, or that most of them would be shocked to even know he had a name. He was still a Muppet, and he deserved better than this!"

"Si, si," Pepe pulled out a cell phone. "I'll call the policia okay?"

While Pepe dialed, the crowd began to disperse, until only Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie and Raven were left standing at the door. Bunsen and Beaker continued to examine the corpse, while Pepe flirted with the female 911 operator.

"I'm sorry Kermie," Piggy said softly.

Kermit shook his head. "What am I gonna tell Robin."

* * *

**A/N: Apologies to fans of Clifford. I don't hate him: I'm just not attached to him like I am with most of the other Muppets, so he was a good candidate for a murder-victim. **


End file.
